15 July 2009

KOTBR #79 - Apocalypse Cow

It's not all that often that you hear about a Double IPA brewed with lactose. Clearly when we heard about this and its tapping at the Downtown Indianapolis Buffalo Wild Wings, we knew what our next roundtable would be. We made a few calls, got the band back together, and headed out for a night on the town. One problem remained: we had no idea what kind of wacky gimmick we should employ to keep this fresh and entertaining for our readers. Unfortunately, as you're about to see, we didn't have any good ideas. I now present to you the COWS OF THE APOCALYPSE.

Greetings from California! I've had this beer when I visited a little pub in Carlsbad. Now, I know that a cow in a brewpub may not be common, but we cows enjoy a libation from now and again, just like you bipeds. Besides, the farmer lets us. He tells us that it will help relax our muscles, make them more tender or something. Now if that isn't the nicest thing, no wonder we're so happy. Anyway, I chose this beer because it had an old college girlfriend of mine on the label. Ol' "One-Eyed Bessie" we called her. She wasn't a looker, but she was a nice gal. All she talked about was going into the military, and something about a red button. I don't know whatever happened to her, but drinking this beer brought back all kinds of memories of our time in college. When we went to school in Indiana, we drank loads of Gumballhead. This beer reminds me of that, but much creamier and with more alcohol. There are grapefruit and piney flavors and the mouthfeel is thick and just a touch resin-like. I hope to get back to that place soon; they have the best cheeseburger pizza! I wish I knew what was in those meatballs. They were wonderful.

Well, I have to go. The farmer is telling me I'm going to a place called processing! I wonder where that is?

Hello, I'm Vienna Schwarzencow, the bovine BGH muscle machine from Austria. I love all those BGH horomones and pumped up steroids we get to increase our milk and cheese production for the masses. Since I am extreme, I need for my beer to be extreme and out of the ordinary. I reach for FFF's, you know, since they are not normal, just like a cow that types a message onto a beer blog or a cow that can pump out 40% more milk than nature intended. I came out for the keg tapping of this DIPA that has had lactose added, and knew that I needed to try something that my udders had a part in. One of my favorite beers from FFF's is fresh Dreadnaught and this has the same flavor profile with ripe mangos, passion fruit, pine, and plenty of citrus notes. The mouthfeel is thick and full and I can really tell what that lactose has done for this beer, and there is a malty sweetness that balances out those hops. This was a real treat and udderly delicious.

Straight from the mouth of Chicago's most famous cow--

I was blamed for one of the most destructive fires in history. But history has vindicated me. Similarly, when Nick Floyd started up his Chicagoland brewery in 1996, people weren't quite sure what to expect. I'm sure many doubted that he would succeed. But history, too, has vindicated Mr. Floyd with his highly-regarded beers, so I feel that I'm a kindred spirit with him. And wouldn't you know it--he even brewed a beer with a cow on the label!

Mr. Floyd's Apocalypse Cow provides the drinker with a conflagration of flavor. An incendiary combination of caramel-like malt, citrusy hops, and lactose produce a peachy DIPA with a wonderfully creamy finish. Yes, it's a bonfire of grapefruit and sugary goodness. Mr. Floyd has lit the fuse with this beer. Mooooove over, Hopslam. You have company.

It's my fault that you're now reading reviews written by famous cows - it was my dumb idea. As it turns out, there really aren't all that many famous cows, and even if you find one, pretending to be a cow writing a beer review isn't nearly as entertaining as it might seem. So instead of that, here are some cow facts from my favorite website (Facts About Cows) that you may not know - and I'll try to tie them back to the beer.

1) Cows are referred to as the foster mothers of the human race because they produce most of the milk that people drink.

In my house, Three Floyds beers are often referred to as the Cindy Crawford's mole of the refrigerator because they're always lurking there on the bottom shelf and turning me on in a weird way that I shouldn't share with strangers on the internet.

2) Before milking machines were invented in 1894, farmers could only milk about six cows per hour. Today, farmers use machines to milk more than 100 cows per hour.

Before selling off their old filler, Three Floyds could fill just two bottles of beer per hour. Although many people think the beer's popularity contributes to the all-to-common sight of no Gumballhead on store shelves, the truth is that the old filler was the culprit. Luckily, with new machines, they are now able to fill not only their own bottles, but also the bottles of babies, milkmen, and perfumists. Stay tuned for Chanel's new Alpha Coco.

3) A cow chews her cud (regurgitated, partially digested food) for up to eight hours each day.

Some people say that Nick Floyd does the same thing with the souls of lesser brewers.

Anyway... the beer of review: Apocolypse Cow has a head like tapioca, with a nose that's like an orange-flavored Gumballhead. The first thing I noticed was the creamy texture, followed by grassy fruit and a sweet finish. The beer is bitter and slightly funky, like close to expiration date milk. There's also a bitterness there that lives right in the middle of the palate. "F*cking weird" is the last thing I wrote.

Three Floyds Apocalypse Cow
[MattR 4.55] [Mike 3.49] [Jim 4.75] [Gina 4.05] [Jess 3.2] [Chris 4.2] [Rod 3.5]
KOTBR Score - 3.96 Mugs

Chris' table before they realized we stuck them with the tab.


  1. They truly missed an opporunity for an awesome tap handle with this beer :)

  2. I think BW3 did a good job creating a tap handle for it though...

  3. I liked my tap handle. That is why I lamintated it and plan to keep it forever.

  4. only bottled 2 beers per hour? is that a typo? i could bottle more than that with my crappy 12 dollar homebrew capper. blindfolded, even.