Receiving a ticket of this magnitude a mere 28 years into my life, for FREE, would absolutely change my life in ways unimaginable to the run-of-the-mill human brain. But, what’s that you say? You’re giving away TWO?! I was already prepared to swim across the Pacific handcuffed, shackled, and towing more boats than Jack LaLanne had ever SEEN in his 96 years; with a blood alcohol content of .08 (I want to stay within the legal limits, but for two tickets, hell, I’ll make it a .35). For just one ticket, I would have raced Robert Kipkoech Cheruiyot in the Monumental Marathon at night (obviously barefoot), while snowing with a wind chill of -25. For two tickets, I’ll run it backwards, carrying Jon and Kate’s octuplets on my back and I’ll beat him by 6 miles.The comment was long-winded, almost confusing, and EXACTLY the sort of thing we'd run in a roundtable. In fact, we want John to join us for a roundtable sometime, but we'll figure that out later.
Since these two tickets mean more to me than my hopes and dreams, I’ll give them up. I will quit my job, dump my girlfriend (even though I was going to give her the extra ticket), and burn down my boss’s home. I will scale the new J.W. Marriott building using the little “Baby on Board” suction cups that people used to affix to their rear windows AFTER I build a rocket made out of Marsh shopping carts and fly it to the dark side of the moon. But, am I finished? Oh, no. No I am not. Not even close. This is, after all, two tickets to Winterfest .
I will bathe in a sea of baby African Mud Turtles for 40 days and 40 nights using Upland Wheat as my shampoo and Sun King Wee Mac as my soap. I will share my shampoo and soap with all of the turtles until we are so cleansed and renewed by the Wee Mac’s nice hazelnut character with rich coffee undertones that we decide to form our own community in the western wheat fields of Nebraska. Our village will consist of living in harmony and harvesting wheat. The turtles will freely export the wheat all over the world and will more than quadruple the U.S.’s gross domestic product within 6 months. What will I be doing while the turtles are turning the Midwest economy into a world-wide powerhouse? Oh, I’ll just be cooking their meals, cleaning up after them, educating them, and providing counseling. Yes, I would spend my life cleaning African Mud Turtle excrement with my bare hands and then, of course, inventing flying cars and hoverboards that run purely on burning, odorless, African Mud Turtle waste. This will bring jobs back to the United States, render China irrelevant in the global economy, and revolutionize common travel. Tired of waiting in the airport security line with your shoes and belt off, searching for a modicum of respect from the A+ security guards? Well, just throw on a pair of sweatpants, hop in your Ford Flyer, and you’re off to Maui in no-time flat! The boost in demand for my Ford Flyer will make Detroit a haven for high-paying, low-stress jobs, thereby spreading a tidal wave of positive vibes throughout states like Ohio, Illinois, and Indiana. Indiana will become Detroit’s sole parts supplier thanks to a few inside tips I give to Mitch Daniels the day before my Flyer is invented and sold to Ford. Indiana will prosper like no state has ever before. It will become rich, but not overcrowded because Detroit will become the destination of choice for the free-riders of the world. When Indiana is rich, I will suggest to Mitch Daniels that every Saturday become “Indiana Beer Fest Day”, which will be an event comparable to the one being held tomorrow, only FREE (not unlike the two tickets I am vying for). I will make Indiana better than ever thought possible. I will be approved for a loan from Old National Bank to purchase every plot of land between Gary and Miami, Florida and then give the land to the state of Indiana. Indiana will have the Indy 500, skiing, surfing, South Beach, and the gorgeous rolling hills of Tennessee. Years later, God will just decide to rename Indiana “Heaven” and everyone in the Hoosier state will live forever. All of this will happen because I want two tickets to the 2011 Brewers of Indiana Guild Winterfest. Also, I’ll ask for them. Please.
John, send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org from the address you listed in the comments, and we'll get things squared away.
For the record, the vote wasn't unanimous (and we'd love some free video work).. but John seemed to be the favorite while we were setting up for Winterfest. And so.. Thanks to everyone who took the time to play along.