Hoosier Beer Geek: A Beer Blog for Indiana, from Indianapolis: Hebrew hijinx

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25 December 2010

KOTBR #118 - The 12 Days of Chrismukkah, Part 2

Merry Christmas, readers! The Knights of the Beer Roundtable's celebration of holiday cheer started in Part 1 of "The 12 Days of Chrismukkah." We continue our celebration here in Part 2. Unfortunately, our host, Burl Ives, has been called away by Rankin/Bass to film a sequel to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (we hear that the working title of this motion picture is "Reindeer Centipede"; sounds like a winner).

But never fear. Burl's more-than-worthy successor, the jovial Jewish singer (and Burl Ives doppelgänger) Theodore Bikel, has joined us. He has just stepped out of Taïm in the West Village, having just polished of a massive plate of falafel for lunch. I see him brushing the falafel crumbs from his beard, and a song is springing to his lips....

On the 7th day of Chrismukkah, the beer geeks gave to me:

He’brew Jewbelation 12 - As the numbers grow higher, the bigger, bolder dark fruit and boozy flavors are coming out more prominently than before. This beer is super-rich, full of roasty, alcohol flavors and has a chewy, raisiny texture. If this beer were a swan (as in 7 swans a swimming), it would be black and it would drown in a pool of syrupy bourbon. So while it is a nice sipping beer now, I think a bit of aging would mellow the heat and unmask the dark fruits more.

Be careful opening that beer. You might shoot your eye out.

Shmaltz Brewing He'Brew Jewbelation 12
Jess: 3.60 Mugs | Rod: 3.60 Mugs | Jason: 4.20 Mugs | Mike: 3.30 Mugs | Gina: 3.80 Mugs | Jim: 4.00 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.75 Mugs

On the 8th day of Chrismukkah, the beer geeks gave to me:

He’brew Jewbelation Bar Mitzvah 13 - The good news about this beer is that despite my last comment about how the flavors and booziness were jumping out of the beer as the numbers grew, this one turned out to be a little more subdued. Don’t get me wrong; 13% is still quite powerful, but Jewbelation 13 seems to be a bit more balanced than the 12. The alcohol gives way to brown sugar, molasses, and raisin flavors. If I had a choice of receiving either 8 maids a-milking or this, I would pick this. Because 8 maids a-milking as a gift, really? Who the hell would give this as a gift? And from someone who is claimed to be your true love? Do they really know you at all?

In case you were wondering--yes, that is a kosher pickle.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine ladies dancing....

Okay, we've spent this whole roundtable focusing on this ubiquitous Christmas song. But have you ever thought about who writes the songs? "White Christmas," for example? Writer: Irving Berlin (born Israel Baline). "The Christmas Song"? Mel Tormé (born Melvin Torma). "Let It Snow"? Sammy Cahn (born Samuel Cohen). "Winter Wonderland"? Felix Bernard (born Felix Bernhardt). "Sleigh Ride"? Mitchell Parish (born Michael Hyman Pashelinsky). "Silver Bells"? Jay Livingston (born Jacob Levinson). "I'll Be Home For Christmas"? Buck Ram (born Samuel Ram).

Are you seeing a connection here? Yeah, I thought so.

And do you know what's so wonderful about all of these Christmas songs written by people who don't celebrate Christmas? They're all classics that give you the warm fuzzies. I like 'em all (and don't tell my wife that; she thinks I hate Christmas music, so I've been fooling her all this time).

Like all this Jewish-written Christmas music, Jewbelation 14 is an instant classic of a beer. With 14 hops, 14 malts, and 14% ABV, Jewbelation 14 is bound to give you the warm fuzzies. While you might think that this beer should be cellared, it's a winner in its youth and worth drinking right now. Indeed, 14 is amazingly drinkable for such a big beer. For me, it tastes like a hybrid of Monumental Jewbelation 10 with its burnt sugar sweetness and the Jewbelation 12 with its Maraschino cherry character. Couple those attributes with a moderately chewy mouthfeel and you have a beer that you may be reluctant to share with your friends. But the holiday season is all about sharing, so spread the good karma and invite your friends to join you in enjoying this beer.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love game to me ten lords a-leaping...

If you're the sort of person who consults Wikipedia regularly, you might already know that the Twelve Days of Christmas song has no satisfactory explanation. Some folks believe that the whole thing is a Catholic plan to teach young Catholics their faith, with each day standing for something - Jesus is a partridge in a pear tree, six geese a-laying are the six days of creation, and ten lords a-leaping are the Ten Commandments. This makes for a nice story, but seems like an ineffective way to teach anything - now instead of just remembering who Jesus is, we have to remember which bird he is, who the other nine guys he's leaping with are, and if he hangs out in trees or lays eggs. Sounds a lot like Easter to me.

If you're the sort of person who doesn't consult Wikipedia, you might know the Twelve Days of Christmas better as an excuse for John Denver to get together with the Muppets.

Some people seem to forget that Jesus was Jewish. This is sort of a reminder.

Regardless of your background, I can tell you that most folks' sources say that there's no real explanation for the Twelve Days of Christmas song. Again, regardless of your background, I think we can all agree that a person who can tell you that your version of the story is wrong without giving you the right version is the worst kind of person. Right now I'm that person.

There's good news here, though - this is a beer review, so we can pretend none of that just happened.

The eighth and final (depending on which way you're drinking) beer in the He'Brew Vertical Jewbelation gift set is near and dear to our hearts because it uses an idea that we often do - it takes seven versions of the beer and combines them: the beer suicide. We do it because we're a bunch of goofballs that generally open too many bottles at a roundtable. He'Brew does it because it's delicious. To take things a step further, Vertical Jewbelation is aged in rye whiskey barrels, bringing out a hint of whiskey to go along with the rich dark fruit flavors that seem to carry throughout the series.

As a result, this is a beer that actually might benefit from some aging. But as far as I can tell, the only way to get one is to buy the entire box set, and if you're like us that means you'll want to drink them all at once. Drinking them separately.. well that makes no sense. Kinda like that 12 Days of Christmas song.

Shmaltz Brewing He'Brew Vertical Jewbelation
Jess: 4.567 Mugs | Rod: 3.90 Mugs | Jason: 4.20 Mugs | Mike: 4.70 Mugs | Gina: 4.40 Mugs | Jim: 4.50 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 4.38 Mugs

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Jess gave to me, eleven pipers piping. Now this one actually did happen. Eleven pipers arrived at the Larrison household with a bottle of Mikkeller Black Tie. They all told us what an incredible beer this was and how, despite its high price, this honey-infused imperial stout would make for a great Christmas. We cracked open the bottle with much excitement and were greeted with warm notes of tire rubber and charcoal. At this point, we were all suspicious of the pipers. How could this make our Christmas great? We warily sipped the Black Tie and tasted a bit of the honey. Then came the chocolate and cocoa nib flavors. Then came the horrid, charred, bitter, mouth-drying finish. I've scorched the brew kettle while homebrewing in the past, and that's exactly what this beer tasted like. We all agreed that we could not get past this burnt, rubbery sensation. It was only then that we realized that all eleven pipers were smoking crack. Damn you, crack smoking pipers. Damn you.

Sorry Mikkel. We love your beers, just not this one.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Okay, you're sick of this by now, aren't you? Well, we're almost done.

As Mike noted above, we occasionally throw together a beer suicide with the leftovers of the beers we've reviewed at a roundtable. And wouldn't you know it, we ended up with a little bit of each Jewbelation left in each bottle. So we poured the leftovers into a single glass to build our own version of Vertical Jewbelation. Our apologies to Shmaltz, but we couldn't resist.

Hoosier Beer Geek's Jewbelation Mash-Up
Jess: 3.70 Mugs | Rod: 3.50 Mugs | Jason: 3.67 Mugs | Mike: 3.50 Mugs | Gina: 3.00 Mugs | Jim: 3.25 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.45 Mugs

In closing, the Knights of the Beer Roundtable would like to wish our readers Happy Holidays! May your time be joyous, and may your glasses be filled with craft beer!

Jason, Jim, Mike, Gina, Rod, Jess, Matt, & Chris

23 December 2010

KOTBR #118 - The 12 Days of Chrismukkah, Part 1

Three years ago, we convened for our second ever holiday beer roundtable. Among the beers we reviewed were several from Shmaltz Brewing Company's He'Brew line. The result of the roundtable was a post that a renowned professor of Jewish studies called "glowing, lengthy, and somewhat bizarre." We considered (and still consider) the professor's description to be a compliment. Believe me, our work has been called much worse.

The opportunity to hit He'Brew beers recently arose again with Shmaltz's release of the He'Brew Vertical Jewbelation Gift Pack.

8 kosher Molotov cocktails.

If you're unfamiliar with the He'Brew Jewbelation series, here's the lowdown -- Every year around Chanukah, Shmaltz releases a new Jewbelation beer. The number of each Jewbelation release corresponds to the number of years that Shmaltz has been around, the number of different malts and hops used to brew the beer, and the percentage of alcohol by volume in the beer. For example, the first Jewbelation, called Miraculous Jewbelation 8, came out in Shmaltz's eighth year; therefore, it was brewed with 8 hops, 8 malts, and had an ABV of 8%. This year saw the release of Jewbelation 14.

Yes, we're talking big kosher beers here, especially as we march into the high teens in the upcoming years.

When we heard about the gift pack release a few weeks ago, we were quite curious about it. As a result, I rushed over to the local dram shop (thanks to Eric at 21st Amendment in Broad Ripple) to procure one for this year's holiday beer review. Inside our box o' Semitic goodies was the following: 8 beers, a custom tasting glass, a set of Chanukah candles, and instructions on how to build a beer bottle menorah. The beers consisted of all seven recipes of the Jewbelation series plus Vertical Jewbelation, which is a blend of the seven Jewbelations aged in Sazerac Rye Whiskey barrels.

Yet by the time we met for the roundtable, we had a problem: our schedules had been so packed that we weren't able to meet until Chanukah was over. Hence, there was no reason to assemble a beer bottle menorah with our empties. This made us quite sad. But being the astounding, synergistic meld of Jew and Gentile that we are, we knew that we could still have a joyous occasion. So we added two Christmas-themed beers to the mix, along with a Mikkeller one-off and our own mash-up of all 8 Jewbelations. In all, 12 beers. Yes, 12 beers.

So we present to you "The 12 Days of Chrismukkah." This post is Part 1, which will cover the first 6 beers from the roundtable. The last 6 beers will be covered in Part 2.

And now, imagine Burl Ives wearing a yarmulke, gliding through the snowy streets of Crown Heights in Brooklyn, with the smells of the kosher bakeries and delis in his nose and a festive song on his lips...

On the first day of Christmas my true love, Rodney, gave me a growler of Pumpkin Ale from Bier Brewery and Taproom instead of the traditional partridge in a pear tree. Since he knew my love of squashy treats in the colder months, this beer was much appreciated instead of the crappy bird (and who really wants the hassle of a tree). Pumpkin Ale is the perfect blend of vegetative flavor (mmmm...pie pumpkins) and holiday spices (hold the anise please). It was nice and moderately sweet with a dry finish that did not overpower the beer (or is it Bier?). The only thing this beer left me wanting (other than more) was a little bit fuller mouthfeel. I felt it was thinnner than expected for a pumpkin beer.

Since we're going to keep singing about this partridge in a pear tree, I'll keep it short but sweet - I'm a fan of this beer from Bier (redundancy anyone?) and can't wait to try their other seasonal offerings!

Bier Brewery Pumpkin Ale
Jess: 4.00 Mugs | Rod: 3.90 Mugs | Jason: 3.75 Mugs | Mike: 4.00 Mugs | Gina: 3.30 Mugs | Chris: 3.80 Mugs | Jim 4.00 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.82 Mugs

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

Ah, turtle doves. They form a bond together and are rarely seen apart. That is why they are considered a symbol of devoted love. A perfect gift for true loves to give as Christmas gifts.

Apparently, they also make for a great sacrificial slaughter--

“Hey everybody! We had a baby boy! A bundle of joy! Oh happy day!”

“Congrats! Let’s kill a couple of doves to celebrate!”

“Umm…uh…okay? I guess? That’s seems kinda weird.”

“Nah, it’s great. We’ll take them to the temple, cut their heads off… it’ll be fun!”

I don’t know about you, but when I celebrate, I usually like to be surrounded by family and friends; eat, drink, and be merry!

So instead of shanking some unsuspecting birds, why not polish off a few Snow Cap Winter Warmers from Pyramid Breweries? It may not be the first winter ale you think to buy, but you should know this: the dark copper colored beer comes in at 7% abv, making it not-so-big but big enough; it has plenty of roasty malted goodness without being terribly chewy; and it runs about $7 a six pack. Plenty of beer at a great price…it’s easy to share. And it won’t leave you trying to get spilled dove blood out of your favorite Christmas sweater.

Pyramid Breweries Snow Cap Winter Warmer
Jess: 3.20 Mugs | Rod: 2.80 Mugs | Jason: 3.33 Mugs | Mike: 3.20 Mugs | Gina: 2.90 Mugs | Chris: 2.30 Mugs | Jim: 3.30 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.00 Mugs

On the third day of Christmas my true love, Rodney (isn't he sweet?), gave me a He'Brew Miraculous Jewbelation 8 along with three french hens. GOD ENOUGH WITH THE BIRDS AND IT'S ONLY DAY THREE. I can only clean up so much poop before I'm over the birds and just want a meal of fried chicken. He could have just given me one beer instead of three smelly birds (here come the animal rights activists), but I digress.

We recreated a scene from the graphic novel Maus.

On first whiff, Miraculous Jewbelation 8 smells like a decadent molasses cookie with sweet, graham crackery notes popping up. On first taste there's a big molasses flavor with a hint of caramel and dried fruits. It reminds me of a molasses oatmeal cookie with a hint of too much carbonation. The more I let this kosher brew roll around on my tongue, the more it brings out a dark maltiness tasting of semi-sweet chocolate-coated raisins and black cherries, toasted pumpernickel bread, and a hint of black licorice. Once again I'm searching for a fuller mouthfeel on my beer and am slightly disappointed in the high amount of carbonation tingling my nose. All in all though a solid offering and I highly recommend it!

Shmaltz Brewing He'Brew Miraculous Jewbelation 8
Jess: 4.20 Mugs | Rod: 3.20 Mugs | Jason: 3.25 Mugs | Mike 3.50 Mugs | Gina: 2.80 Mugs | Jim: 3.00 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.33 Mugs

On the fourth day of Christmas, Jess gave to me, four calling birds. Wait what? Oh I get it, it's a twitter reference. Those calling birds were all tweeting about He'Brew Jewbelation 9. One of them was @ShmaltzBrewingW, and they were telling us how this beer was similar to a Belgian dubbel. The 9 hops didn't stand out so much, but the yeast brought out lots of raisin, date, and fig aromas. Just like Christmas! Or maybe even Hanukkah! To be honest I don't even know what Hanukkah smells like, but I bet @ShmaltzBrewingW knows. Jewbelation 9 definitely had a great presentation for the 9 malts involved. Flavors of brown sugar, chocolate, caramel, and a bit of smoke rounded out the beer with a great balance. I'm certainly glad Jim picked this up from @21stBroadripple. The other two calling birds were @hoosierbeergeek and @brewhouse, but they weren't even talking about the beer. In fact, they didn't say much of anything with all the snuggling they were doing in the corner.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me--

Oh, screw this. We're talking about Chanukah beer here. So I'm sorry if you were dying to hear the "fiiiiiiiive golden riiiiiings" bit that is the only part of the song most people know.

So let's talk about Judith instead. Judith lived in Judea around the time of the original Chanukah story--you know (or maybe not), the one in which the Assyrian rulers of Judea were oppressing the Jews until some hard case Jewish guerrillas called the Maccabees overthrew them, then rededicated the temple in Jerusalem by relighting the temple menorah with one day's worth of oil that miraculously lasted for 8 days, yadda yadda yadda....

Judith lived in a village under siege by the Assyrian army, who were led by a general named Holofernes. Holofernes had the hots for Judith. He also liked to get his drink on. Unfortunately for Judith and the villagers, their water supply was getting low because of the siege. But Judith was resourceful. She visited the village's version of Goose the Market--called Shmuely's Kosher Cheese and Wine Castle--where she bought an armload of kosher cheese made from the succulent milk of shrubbery-fed goats, along with several flagons of Mogen David wine. She then schlepped over to Holofernes's tent where she first served him the cheese. The cheese made him thirsty, so he drank lots of the Mogen David until he passed out. Being the badass that she was, Judith chopped off Holofernes's head and left the headless body for his troops to find. The troops panicked and were routed in a Jewish counterattack. Kol HaKavod, Judith!

So as you can see, Chanukah is all about festive holiday cheer.

If Shmaltz Brewing Company had been around in the time of Judith and Holofernes, I have a feeling that Judith would have opted for some bombers of He'Brew Jewbelation instead of flagons of Mogen David. In fact, she might have chosen Monumental Jewbelation 10.

As you might expect with a beer brewed with 10 malts, Monumental Jewbelation 10 is sweet, but not cloyingly so. The sweetness comes through in delicious burnt sugar and creme brulee notes. Unlike Jewbelations 8 and 9, which had a thin mouthfeel, 10 has a slightly hefty and silky mouthfeel. Even the choosiest Assyrian general would be smitten with this beer. Because everyone knows that if you can please an Assyrian general, you can please just about anyone.

Shmaltz Brewing He'Brew Monumental Jewbelation 10
Jess: 4.0 Mugs | Rod: 3.80 Mugs | Jason: 2.90 Mugs | Mike: 3.70 Mugs | Gina: 2.80 Mugs | Jim: 4.00 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 3.53 Mugs

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

Six Geese-a-laying? It sounds like foul fowl porn. I’ll take the high road though. Six geese, sitting around, laying eggs. Maybe geese eggs are tasty. But I’ll probably never know. Every goose I have ever met gets all sorts of pissy if you get near its nest, starts hissing at you, and leaves the worst messes you’ve ever seen. Six Geese-a-laying. If that’s an ideal Christmas gift, I’m changing religions.

Now the Jews, they got it going on. Their winter holiday is eight nights long? I’m cool with that. Spin the dreidel? Sounds like fun (I’m assuming it’s like spin the bottle). And I think they have He’Brew beers on tap in the synagogue. In between the ark and the ner tamid.

If that is true, I hope they have some Jewbelation 11 on tap. While I enjoy all of the editions of Jewbelation, the 11 stands out. It’s a mighty big beer with a lot of flavors going on. Hanukkah may be the Festival of Lights; Eleven is the festival of darknes. Dark brown sugar. Dark fruits. Dark malty goodness. It’s almost like being bourbon barrel aged, but without so much of the bourbon booziness. The Maccabees would have gladly traded in their miracle oil for a six pack of 11!

So…oh, wait, pardon me a moment; I just received a text from Jim…okay, so they don’t have He’Brew beers on tap in the synagogue. They don’t have any beers on tap.

Bummer.

Maybe I’ll celebrate Yaksmas instead.

“On the 6th day of Yaksmas cousin Sven he sent to me, six Yaks a shaven…”

Well, it’s better than six frickin’ geese.

Shmaltz Brewing He'Brew Jewbelation 11
Jess: 4.60 Mugs | Rod: 3.50 Mugs | Jason: 4.50 Mugs | Mike: 3.70 Mugs | Gina: 3.50 Mugs | Jim: 4.25 Mugs
KOTBR Score: 4.01 Mugs

Coming soon: The 12 Days of Chrismukkah, Part 2.

27 July 2008

Must Have: He'Brew, The Chosen Beer

Jewish-centric blog Jewcy has a brief but informative profile of Shmaltz Brewing Company and its founder, Jeremy Cowan. In the near future, we'll be reviewing Shmaltz's latest seasonal, He'Brew Rejewvenator, and their new line of craft lagers. So, stay tuned!

Previously: KOTBR #36 | L'Chaim! (or, "On the Third Night of Hanukkah, My Friends Brought Beer to Me")

04 July 2008

Audience participation day | What are you drinking on the 4th?

So what's on tap today, readers? What will you be drinking at your barbeques and fireworks extravaganzas?

Here's what's on the beer menu for me today:

He'Brew Rejewvenator
Barley Island Barfly IPA (an underrated beer in my opinion)
Bell's Hopslam (1 lonely bottle left)

My family's Fourth of July cookout last year

Audience participation time...

22 April 2008

Bread of Affliction Blues | Dealing with a beer-free week

Every year, I do something that fellow beer geeks rarely do voluntarily: I swear off beer for eight days. Why? Because I'm Jewish and it's Passover, the annual celebration of the liberation of the Israelites from Egyptian slavery (cf. Charlton and Yul squaring off in Technicolor). Aside from sitting down to at least one long dinner called a Seder and stuffing ourselves silly, those of us who are at least somewhat observant also try to forgo the consumption of chametz, which my buds at Chabad concisely define as "any food product made from wheat, barley, rye, oats, spelt, or their derivatives, which has leavened (risen) or fermented." This prohibition is why Jews eat that unleavened crappy cardboard cracker stuff called matzah (also known as the "bread of affliction"). In addition, for the eight days of the holiday, there's no bread, no bagels, no pizza . . . and no beer.

So what's a Jew to drink if he or she doesn't want to subsist on bad kosher wine? Well, Ramapo Valley Brewery of Hillburn, New York, makes the only beer that is certified kosher for Passover. Called Passover Honey Beer, the drink at first glance appears to be mead because it's made with honey. However, mead is not normally made with hops, and the Passover Honey Beer is. The beer is also gluten-free, so people with celiac disease may freely partake in it.

While the Passover Honey Beer hasn't received glowing reviews, I'm willing to give it a try because it is described as having a character similar to that of hard apple cider, and I love hard cider. So, beer sleuths, I put this question to you: may I find this beer in Indiana?

12 December 2007

KOTBR #36 | L'Chaim! (or, "On the Third Night of Hanukkah, My Friends Brought Beer to Me")

For Roundtable #36, we gathered at my and my wife’s place on the third night of Hanukkah (or more appropriately, Chrismukkah, considering that this was an “interfaith” gathering—agnostic, Jew, Christian, and Buddhist) to enjoy some latkes and Jewish-themed beer from Shmaltz Brewing Company, home of the He’Brew brand of beers (certified kosher, of course). Shmaltz was started in 1996 by Jeremy Cowan, when, according to Cowan, he and some “intimate friends” gathered in a San Francisco loft to “squeeze luscious pomegranates by hand to brew the first 100 cases of the original He’Brew beer.” For those who are puzzled as to why pomegranates were part of the first He’Brew beer, the answer is that aside from being tasty and having healthy properties, the pomegranate has sacred significance in Judaism.

Eleven years later, Hoosiers are lucky to find He’Brew beers on the shelves of liquor stores and on bar menus across the state. Each beer comes with Cowan’s own style of Jewish quirkiness on the label, where you’ll find a list of Jewish-themed trivia that relates to the beer’s name. For example, the label on the Origin Pomegranate Ale (which we discuss in more detail below) explains that the calyx on top of the pomegranate was the original inspiration for the crown worn by Jewish monarchs.

The staple He’Brew beers are Genesis Ale and Messiah Bold (the latter is cleverly subtitled, “It’s The Beer You’ve Been Waiting For”). In addition, there are He’Brew’s renowned seasonal releases, which tend to be highly hopped, intense brews with a high ABV percentage. Because of this hop intensity, He’Brew seasonals are prime candidates for cellaring for a year or two. This aging tends to mellow the beer’s hoppy character, creating a sweeter and maltier offering.

For Roundtable #36, we reviewed five He’Brew seasonals, three of which had been aged for a year or more—Genesis 10:10, Bittersweet Lenny’s R.I.P.A., and Monumental Jewbelation 10—one that had been aged since March—Origin Pomegranate Ale—and this year’s newest seasonal release, Jewbelation 11 (as Nigel Tufnel said in This is Spinal Tap, “It goes to 11.”). Moreover, since we couldn’t leave out a review of a beer from that ubiquitous goyishe holiday, we also reviewed Brouwerij Huyghe’s Delirium Noel (Brouwerij Huyghe is also home to the, um, interesting Rubbel Sexy Lager).

A short note about the Jewbelation seasonal beers—these are released every year before Hanukkah. The number on the beer corresponds to the number of years that Shmaltz has been around, the number of different malts and hops used to make the beer, and the percentage of alcohol by volume.

Now that all the prefatory stuff is out of the way, this is how the Hoosier Beer Geek mishpocha reported their findings.

Mike, with a little literary quiz:

I realize Matt kinda just did this, but it's not the same because he did it well and I'm horrible.

Plus I didn't make this up, I plagiarized.

Reviews written in a semi-plagiarized style of the first page of books I pulled out of the pile in the closet.

You solve the mystery. List of works plagiarized at the bottom.

1) He’Brew Genesis 10:10 - 4.00 Mugs

"So you're all set for beer, then?" the boy named Jason asks in his typical informed voice. The kind of voice like when you've just started drinking and your mouth still feels quick and able. But he's just pretending. He's totally drunk. As always.

I nod.

"How much?"

I review the numbers in my head. "Close to four mugs, sweet apple berry nose with a hint of funk, boozy front, on the tongue sting, a hint of pepper, but extremely smooth. I know four is a lot, but it's fair enough. For the time being."

"Not bad," The boy named Jason says. "For the time being."

I give him another nod.

"I'm guess this isn't a Christmas gift score from Santa Claus."

"Yeah, you're right," I reply.

2) He’Brew Bittersweet Lenny’s R.I.P.A. - 3.50 Mugs

ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE is scrawled in red lettering on the door of the apartment near the corner of Meridian and Fall Creek and is in print large enough to be seen from the front seat of the Mazda as it lurches forward in the traffic leaving downtown and just as Gina notices the words a bus pulls up, the advertisement for HoosierBeerGeek.com on its side blocking her view, but Gina who is with Pierce & Pierce and twenty-nine doesn't seem to care because she tells the brewer she will give him 3.50 mugs for brewing a buttery, biscuity brew that's a deep copper color and works all on the front of the tongue and the top of the mouth, and the brewer, white, Jewish, does so.

3) He’Brew Monumental Jewbelation 10 - 4.25 Mugs

I am visiting at the Villa Dimitri. There is not a crumb of dirt anywhere, nor a latke misplaced. We are all together here and we are dead.

Last night Chris discovered that he was lousy. I had to shave his armpits and even then the itching did not stop. How can one get lousy in a beautiful place like this? But no matter. We might not have known each other so intimately, Chris and I, had it not been for the lice.

Chris has just given me a summary of his views. He is a knight of the beer roundtable. The beer will continue to be good, he says. There will be more drunkenness, more vomit, more despair. Not the slightest indication of change anywhere. The cancer of beer reviewing is eating us away. Our heroes have gotten us drunk, or are drunk themselves. The hero, then, is not the present time stout-looking and Belgian-tasting ale, but the timelessness of the beers after. We must get in step, a lock step, toward the prison of beer reviewing. There is no escape. The weather will not change.

4) He’Brew Origin Pomegranate Ale - 3.00 Mugs

When he woke on the couch in the dark and the cold of the night he'd reach out to touch the beer sitting beside him. Nights dark beyond darkness and the beer not as drinkable than what had gone before. Like the onset of some cold drunken tonsillitis dimming away the world. His hand rose and fell softly with each fruit influenced by not fruity drink. He pushed away the plastic up and raised himself in the stinking robes and blankets and looked toward the kitchen for any more Jewbelation but there was none.

5) He’Brew Jewbelation 11 - 3.25 Mugs

All this happened, more or less. The drinking parts, anyway, are pretty much true. One beer I knew really was almost drank from a fridge that wasn't mine. Another beer I knew really did look like a stout with heavy lacing but a hard liquor, leafy pine nose. And so on. I've given you all the names.

6) Delirium Noel - 3.25 Mugs

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know the first beer I drank was Milwaukee's Best, and what my lousy high school years were like, and how my friends back home still drink Miller Light, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores me, and in the second place, my friends would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told you anything pretty personal about them. They're quite touchy about anything like that, especially the Miller Light part. They're nice and all-I'm not saying that-but they don't drink Belgians. Besides, I'm not going to tell you my whole goddamn autobiography or anything. I'll just tell you about this overripe apple smelling punch in the mouth beer I drank last at our Chrismukkah party where I got pretty run-down and had to go home and take it easy.

Works plagiarized in this review:

1) Haruki Murakami - Kafka on the Shore
2) Bret Easton Ellis - American Psycho
3) Henry Miller - Tropic of Cancer
4) Cormac McCarthy – The Road
5) Kurt Vonnegut - Slaughterhouse-Five
6) J.D. Salinger - The Catcher In The Rye

Jason, with “The Ballad of Shit McGee”:

There is nothing like starting the evening off by entering a door with a picture of pork on it, especially if said door is the front door of the home of a Member of the Tribe. Love the irony.

The aforementioned pork picture (from a real supermarket in Manhattan). The price labels came down shortly after this picture was taken.

I brought along my good buddy Shit McGee. Of course, that is just his nickname. But everybody calls him Shit McGee. And let me just say that this guy is a Chick Magnet. Old, young. Married, single. He brings ‘em all in.

On the way to dinner on this third night of Chrismukkah, Shit McGee and I were having a discussion about cellarable beers. In my experience, I have not had much success. Because apparently I choose shitty beers to store away. Also because I have a hard time getting beers to stay put. Somehow they always end up in my belly.

Unlike Mr. Mike Deweese at BadaBoomz Downtown, who is the local expert, in my opinion, on cellar beers. When it comes to it, I choose to let him store the beer and I’ll buy them later. At a premium, of course.

But are cellar beers all that great to begin with? I have been drinking lots of hopped up and English ales because of their bitter bites. Those bites tend to mellow out with time, so for me, I don’t think they are all that.

Tonight would be a great test, as we were tasting 4 beers that are a year or more old. The other 2 are pretty fresh. All the beers come from Shmaltz brewery, with the exception of one.

Here they are, from most favorite to least:

Jewbelation 11 – 4.25 mugs

Because it was fresh, the 11 hops were still hoppin’, while the 11 malts were still maltin’. Well balanced and tasty, a good argument against cellar beers

Genesis 10:10 – 3.875 mugs (that’s 3 7/8 mugs for you drunkards who can’t do math)

This was the best of the aged beers we drank, in my drunk opinion. It was slightly sweet, with tastes of brown sugar, while still having a fair amount of bite, giving it a whiskey quality.

Monumental Jewbelation 10 – 3.75 mugs

It was malty with a fruity Belgian hint. The 10 hops didn’t come through at all. But still tasty as pork chops at a synagogue. Another good argument for cellar beers, though.

Bittersweet Lenny’s R.I.P.A. – 3.375 mugs (.375 = 3/8’s; did you take any math in high school?)

This beer likely would have scored higher if had been fresher, because it didn’t taste like an IPA any more. But it had an intriguing rye and caramel flavor that kept me happy.

Origin Pomegranate Ale – 2.875 mugs

I’d like to blame this beer on being old. But the fact is that I probably wouldn’t have liked it if it had been fresh. Just too dang sweet for my tastes.

Delirium Noel – 2.75 mugs

I’d like to blame this beer on being old. But the fact is that it is fresh. And it was just too damned tart for my taste. A great beer to make you wish for a cellar IPA that no longer tastes like an IPA. Give me some more Jewbie 11!

Six beers. Six very potent beers. If it hasn’t been for the hash browned cakes of goodness (which would have been perfect the next morning with a fried egg on top), I would have been spinning. I had forgotten, however, that Shit McGee never eats when he drinks. So old Shitty made a fool of himself and me by throwing up all over Jim’s living room floor. Plus the lady that was all over him.

Or was she holding him up? It’s hard to say.

So I took him back to my home, where he promptly passed out.

Having consumed five He’Brew beers, I found myself wishing that we had three more, to compliment the eight crazy nights of Chrismukkah. I think I would make a pretty good Jew.

Okay except for the no pork, no meat/cheese mixtures, etc.

But those little beanie hats would cover up my growing bald spot nicely.

Gina, with, in her words, reviews in the “plain old regular style”:

Monumental Jewbelation 10 - 4.25 Mugs

This was malty and dark with a caramel taste and a bit of hops that wasn't overdone. As this one warmed, I got a bit of something smoky in the taste, but still sweet. Very tasty.

Bittersweet Lenny's R.I.P.A. – 4.00 Mugs

I tasted the caramel and the malts immediately and finished with the rye on the back of the tongue and throat. For being an IPA, I didn't get much of a hop bite which I was perfectly OK with.

Delirium Noel – 4.00 Mugs

I am still loving the Belgian beers, but I find that from this brewery, I like the Tremens better. The taste of this was purely alcohol with a side of apple. I think that it wasn't as balanced as much as I would have liked

Genesis 10:10 - 3.75 Mugs

The smell of this was very powerful at the start, but quickly faded away. The taste of this was quite light for being such a high ABV.

Origin Pomegranate Ale - 3.50 Mugs

This tasted faintly of pomegranate and was very light bodied. I found that I liked the fruitiness of this but I wanted it to be a little more malty or chewy.

Jewbelation 11 - 3.25 Mugs

I liked this one the least of all that we tried because it smelled so much like a pine tree. This is definitely one that I would like to try again a year after it's been aging in a cellar. If the 10 is any indication on how these beers age, I think it's going to be pretty amazing.

Overall, every one of these beers were very good and would be worth trying if you haven't already. Be sure to take a more in-depth look at the He'Brew bottles if you haven't had the opportunity. They all contain good stories and interesting information.

Thanks, Jim and Annie, for hosting a fabulous Chrismukkah gathering, plastic ass and all. The potato latkes were super good. I could go for a couple right now. :)

The world famous plastic ass. Artist unknown.

Chris's estimated ratings from memory (long story--he left his review notes behind, which I then mistakenly threw out):

Genesis 10:10: 4.50 mugs

Bittersweet Lenny’s R.I.P.A.: 4.75 mugs

Monumental Jewbelation 10: 4.25 mugs

Origin Pomegranate Ale: 5.00 mugs

Jewbelation 11: 3.97 mugs

Delirium Noel: 5.00 mugs

=================================================================

Since my colleagues have adequately said what needs to be said about each beer, I’ll simply add my mug ratings and note that, in my opinion, this was, on the whole, the best group of beers we’ve reviewed (of course, I may be a little biased as a MOT, but I loved even the Delirium Noel):

Genesis 10:10: 4.75 mugs

Bittersweet Lenny’s R.I.P.A.: 4.60 mugs

Monumental Jewbelation 10: 4.25 mugs

Origin Pomegranate Ale: 3.75 mugs

Jewbelation 11: 3.25 mugs

Delirium Noel: 4.00 mugs